The New Year

I couldn't get out of bed. I pulled the heavy blanket up over my head and closed my eyes tight. No amount of darkness would keep the thoughts away.

Today is the anniversary of my husband's Big Awful Decision (the B.A.D. as I like to call it). And it's not just any day that he decided to break his marriage covenants, it's New Year's Eve. The irony is thick and tries to suffocates me. A day for reflecting on the past and making bold decisions and resolutions for a new better future and my husband chose to celebrate by hooking up with a girl almost young enough to be his daughter. His new year began with a month long affair with a younger, thinner, more enticing "woman". (Yes, I put woman in quotes. It's a far less offensive thing than using the adjectives and nouns that usually come to mind when I think about her. I really should put "enticing in quotes too, having met her, I know she was just the desperate, willing, after birth of a porn addiction. Oops. Better stop now before I tell you what I really think about her. I'll save that for another post.)

I discovered the affair a month later and 2013 really began for me. A year of unbearable pain. I experienced so much loss.

 First, I lost my husband. It felt like death. I had been married to an addict, sure, he wasn't perfect, but he was loving. He was my friend. He had no problem being real with me on an emotional level. We held hands and laughed. Suddenly he was gone. My marriage as I knew it was now something of the past. I mourned the husband I knew pre 2013. The man who lived in my house with me was his murderer. That was a unimaginable level of terror I never knew I could experience.

 I lost my confidence. I no longer had the ability to stand up for myself, voice my opinions, meet new people, enjoy the company of friends, or walk into a store without feeling as if everyone was staring at me. Over the next 5 months I searched crowds of strangers for her face. I feared that I would literally, YES LITERALLY, shrivel up in her presence if I ever saw her. (I did find her face in the crowd and I didn't shrivel at all! I'll save that story too... that's a good one that I hope every betrayed wife gets a kick out of.)

I lost security. Financial security, because he had to leave that job because of the affair. Personal security, no woman should have to EVER worry if her husband is comparing her to another woman. It's wrong and it contradicts the marriage vows any couple makes! Relationship security, I wasn't sure where this marriage thing was going post affair. I wasn't sure if his changes and recovery would stick and make any difference.

I lost friends. Sort of. Of the 5 women that I initially told 3 of them made themselves scarce. I rarely talked to them. They rarely checked on me. 2 of those women never talked or asked about it again. The other 2 women that stuck around were me rocks.

I worry that these thoughts appear to only be words... each syllable meaningless on it's own. That readers won't understand the gravity of what happened and what I went through... not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but because I want other spouses to know they're not alone when they go through this. Because I want betrayers (and potential betrayers) to really know what they are going to inflict on their spouses. All these words, but the ones that sum them up are betrayal, death, torture, anguish, depression, confusion, self hatred, self destructive, abusive, destroyed... I could go on, but you get the idea, and these words are the reason I dont want to face this holiday... this anniversary...this commemoration of the B.A.D.

My husband knows. He comes in and out of the room as he gets ready for work. He tries to reassure me with some cuddling and kisses. He tells me he loves me over and over again. I know it's a hard day for him too. Things are better now and today to him means a year farther away from his B.A.D. A year that  got him disfellowshipped at church. A year without sacrament. A year of rebuilding his marriage and his wife's security while working through his own healing and recovery. I know he wants me to stop hurting. I know it would make things easier for him. But I hurt and all the kisses and words and the dark heavy weight of the blanket do nothing. Nothing will stop the hurt and anxiety.

Until.

In the dark I see a wooden rod. If it's a banister or a staff, I can not tell, but I imagine grabbing onto it because it looks strong... heck, it looks like it might give me a splinter but it looks strong. When I grab it, in my imagination of course, I hear the words "Own the day." A feeling begins to trickle into my soul. It feels like drinking very warm water. I can feel it going down. It also feels like reassurance. Own the day. Get up. Dress yourself. Buy a nice breakfast. Eat it. Begin your day. Own the day.

What does that mean? DO NOT let the day and all it's negative luggage to own me! DO NOT let me losses discredit all my gains! DO NOT let anybody control my happiness! I GAINED so much this year!  I now have a husband that is dedicated to his 12 step program and strives always to be drug and porn free. I have a clear understanding of what a friend should do for another in their time of need. I have a real insight into addiction and healing and the consequences of addiction. I was plummeted to a level of humility that allowed me to turn to the Lord and learn of Him in ways I never had before. I was refined. My weaknesses are still being made into strengths. I study the gospel and words of His prophets, apostles, and others he has influenced. I have gained a testimony of the healing power of the Atonement.

I'm still a little nervous, but I won't let the day own me... don't let it own you either! ♥