My name is Kate. I am a mother and a wife. My husband is an addict. We had been (mostly) happily married for almost 20 years when he hit rock bottom. I knew he had been smoking marijuana for about 10 years. I'm a supporter of medicinal marijuana use and justified him using it to self medicate for his ADD and anxiety. I only asked that he not smoke anywhere but home and to never smoke with women. When he used, it would take an edge off the chaos in our lives. Naturally, he became calmer and seemed to not be so easily distracted from things he was doing. I also knew he had looked and used porn during our marriage, but to my knowledge, it had only been something he had done once in a while. I did not know the truth, that my husband was using porn daily. His night schedule put us on different sleep schedules, so it was very easy for him to hide this habit.
One autumn day we learned that his life long best friend had killed himself. Of course, it was a devastating loss. My husband, who normally was very open to all conversations, began to shut himself off. He refused to talk about his feelings surrounding the suicide and would visibly shut down if anyone mentioned the friend. None of this seemed unhealthy to me at all, but part of his mourning process, but something was happening unseen below the surface. My sweet heart was opening himself up to a dark abyss as he began to question God's existence and the relevance of life in general.
The following February, I had a prompting to check the text messages on his phone. It was something I didn't do often, but had done in the past to keep an eye on his activity with drug contacts and buddies. I'm a firm believer that privacy between spouses is almost always destructive to the marriage. What I found was a casual conversation between my husband and what turned out to be a younger female coworker. I confronted my husband who said she was only a friend. He's a friendly outgoing guy who has had plenty of workplace friendships with females, but I knew something was off.
What followed was long conversations and arguments about the appropriateness of having this friendship. I asked him how he would feel if I was doing the same thing he was with a man. It was his answer "I'd be pissed!" that made me realize that this was not just a friendship.
"Are you sleeping with her?" I asked. I was sure he would say no even though things just didnt seem right. He answered "yes" and my world fell from underneath my feet.
My life felt like a nightmare. I couldn't put together that the man standing in front of me was the same man I had been married to for half my life. It seemed that my dear husband, the father of our children, the man I grew up with, had been ripped from my life, brutally killed, and replaced with some evil doppelganger. In fact, the first day after finding out, I'm sure that is who was standing in front of me... a man possessed by Satan's horrid influence. He told me later that on that day he was relieved I found out, because then he wouldn't have to continue to cheat on me in secret!!! The pain I experienced that day and for the next few months was like nothing I had ever experienced. I turned to cutting myself so that the pain I felt inside would be linked to actual physical pain. I know that cutting is not the answer, but at the time what I was experiencing didn't seem to make sense, I felt I needed that physical pain to ground myself in reality.
My husband's infidelity shattered my world. I had once been confident in spite of my curvy figure. I had been bold, brave, and out spoken. I hit my rock bottom before my husband... and my rock bottom was a voice telling me that I was not pretty, young, or skinny enough. It told me I was unattractive, undesirable, forgettable. I confided only in a few close friends. One of them (ironically) was a male friend I've known since my teen years. He listened and then told me, "Kate, you are STILL valuable, beautiful, and desirable." It was these words that truly sent my husband to his rock bottom.
I'm leaving the miraculous change that happened to my husband up to him to tell. You can find it here and under the tab "Spencer's Story".
I joined the LDS Family Services support group for those with addicted loved ones and found the instructions and support I needed for my healing. It has been a BEAUTIFUL life changing process for me.
Dear Betrayed, YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOUR SAVIOR AND HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES YOU AND YOU CAN FIND PEACE THROUGH THE ATONEMENT. PLEASE
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