What I Wish Every Stake President, Bishop, and Relief Society President Knew

  I was completely blind sided when I found out my husband had cheated on me. We had been together for alost 20 years. He was my best friend. (Though looking back now I can see how his addictions caused so much strife and negative energy in our home and relationship). But when it came down to it, we were confidants and friends on top of being husband and wife. I don't know if that makes my experience any different than others. For me though, it left me without someone to tell this new dark secret to... after all he knew more about it than anyone.

  When you find out your husband has been lying to you about big things you have two choices... you tell people or you dont.

  You want or need so badly to get out everything you are feeling. The pain can be unbearable. For most of us we don't know where to turn. Telling people has it's risks. Judgments get passed, gossip spreads, people you don't want to know find out (your children!!!) My Stake President advised me to be very careful if I told anyone, as it my hinder my husband's recovery. I also learned that the weight of such a devastating piece of information could weigh heavily on those you tell. I've GOT to write a post on that!

  The sinner/addict, if they are repentant they will most likely be meeting regularly with their Bishop and Stake President (depending on the severity of their actions). Information might be provided to them for the church's Addiction Recovery meetings.  They begin going to meetings and find support and healing (hopefully) in their group.

  In contrast, when you lose your spouse to addiction and infidelity and you choose not to tell people,  you could end up in a dark lonely place. It's filled with self blame and self hatred. It's filled with unhealthy habits, risks, and temptations. You can feel abandoned.


In my desperation I not only started drinking, but I started cutting. Cutting is an unhealthy and addictive behavior that involves cutting one's own skin. But in my dark hole, inflicting pain on myself was the only thing that made sense. Though my husband was staying and on the road to recovery, I couldn't fathom a life where all this information was a part of it and so I spiraled into depression and self harming behaviors.

  Needless to say, things changed (and they continue to change every day... that's life). I did find the support group for those with addicted loved ones. I did confide in a few friends and family. I did decide to make healthy choices... but I did this without the help of the leaders in my ward and stake and THAT kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

  After all, though my husband was the sinner and there were things that the leaders had to take charge of to help him get back on the right path, I was an unwilling victim. I don't know if aid for the victims is only supposed to be offered if it's asked for??? But I'll say this... the women I know whose husbands have porn addictions or cheated NEED HELP TOO! We are abandoned, disillusioned, deceived, depressed, alone, destroyed, devastated! We may not even know what is available to ask for.

  SO dear Stake Presidents, Bishops, and Relief Society Presidents. PLEASE search out and give us, the betrayed innocents, information to aid in our own healing! Meet with us too! Check on us too! Make sure we have support! Make sure our children are being taken care of! Provide us with information about the ARP meetings for those with addicted loved ones. Ask us if we need to speak to a counselor! With the help of the church's social services start ARP groups in your stake. Make sure we have kind diligent visiting and home teachers. Because, just as the sinner is lost, so are those they betrayed.

  Anyone who would like more information or support can certainly message me and I will help get you the information you need. Be strong dear sisters (and some of you brethren). The Lord will provide. Addiction and betrayal can alter the path of life you might have carefully set in place, but He is there for you. Reach out to Him always first.