In a Slump - Now What?

  Last night I finally had the opportunity to go to the support group again. We had been off for two weeks because of the holidays. Before that my attendance had been spotty thanks to our ward's activities being on the same night.

  On the way to the meeting I fervently prayed that I would be a good listener and only open my mouth if I really had something good to share. Apparently I had a lot of good to share... I just can't stop talking about healing ourselves through Christ. It's that powerful for me.... I just HAVE to share what I've learned in this new version of my life.

  I did hear some beautiful amazing things last night. I would never betray the trust of one of my dear supportive sisters but I will share valuable tidbits of wisdom that they have shared. One dear sister said these words:

  "When you are in a slump focus just on the day you are in - not the past, not the future."

 Almost immediately I glanced at another friend's post it and read Matt 11: 28-29 and recognizing it, wrote it down for later reading. (Go take a gander at it, Ill be here when you get back).

 Later at home, I received some pretty bad news... of the legal and financial burden type. The night was tumultuous and I struggled to stay asleep. Somewhere around 4 in the morning I was wide awake staring at the ceiling daring my brain not to think of the problem. After an hour I thought about that scripture, sat straight up in bed, begged the Lord to help me sleep, and miraculously did!

  When I awoke in the morning I recalled Matt. 6:25-34 and pondered it in conjunction with what my friend had said about being in a slump. I suddenly understood something I never had before. I couldn't comprehend how I could be a responsible adult and plan for my future but"... no thought for the morrow". 

  Worrying about tomorrow is futile. It's like standing in a sprinkling rain, eyes wide open, staring at heaven certain that a single rain drop will land precisely smack dab in the middle of your forehead and attempting to predict exactly when that moment will happen and how big the rain drop will be. What an absurd waste of your time when you could just be enjoying the rain (or watching it from in doors if you're not a rain lover).

 It is simply this. Plan for your morrow, but worry (in the anxiety and panic sense of the word) not about the unknown things that can bring you anxiety. We can not control everything... primarily because it is God who is control. We should find hope and comfort in that.

 When you find yourself in that scary or depressing slump bring it all back in. Right here to the moment and the breath you are taking at this very second. Focus on the small things that must be accomplished today. Do even just the basics: feed yourself from the Word and healthy foods, feed your family the same way, bathe, pray, sleep when necessary, serve someone... anyone. Lay everything else at the Lord's feet, so that you can "...bear up [your] burdens with ease" (Mosiah 24:14-15).

Take the small steps that lead to giant strides. There might be some big bumps in your plans ahead. The road you're on or the destination you were headed toward may change some, but eventually you'll be up and running again headed to something beautiful, perfect, and divine.

What I Wish Every Stake President, Bishop, and Relief Society President Knew

  I was completely blind sided when I found out my husband had cheated on me. We had been together for alost 20 years. He was my best friend. (Though looking back now I can see how his addictions caused so much strife and negative energy in our home and relationship). But when it came down to it, we were confidants and friends on top of being husband and wife. I don't know if that makes my experience any different than others. For me though, it left me without someone to tell this new dark secret to... after all he knew more about it than anyone.

  When you find out your husband has been lying to you about big things you have two choices... you tell people or you dont.

  You want or need so badly to get out everything you are feeling. The pain can be unbearable. For most of us we don't know where to turn. Telling people has it's risks. Judgments get passed, gossip spreads, people you don't want to know find out (your children!!!) My Stake President advised me to be very careful if I told anyone, as it my hinder my husband's recovery. I also learned that the weight of such a devastating piece of information could weigh heavily on those you tell. I've GOT to write a post on that!

  The sinner/addict, if they are repentant they will most likely be meeting regularly with their Bishop and Stake President (depending on the severity of their actions). Information might be provided to them for the church's Addiction Recovery meetings.  They begin going to meetings and find support and healing (hopefully) in their group.

  In contrast, when you lose your spouse to addiction and infidelity and you choose not to tell people,  you could end up in a dark lonely place. It's filled with self blame and self hatred. It's filled with unhealthy habits, risks, and temptations. You can feel abandoned.


In my desperation I not only started drinking, but I started cutting. Cutting is an unhealthy and addictive behavior that involves cutting one's own skin. But in my dark hole, inflicting pain on myself was the only thing that made sense. Though my husband was staying and on the road to recovery, I couldn't fathom a life where all this information was a part of it and so I spiraled into depression and self harming behaviors.

  Needless to say, things changed (and they continue to change every day... that's life). I did find the support group for those with addicted loved ones. I did confide in a few friends and family. I did decide to make healthy choices... but I did this without the help of the leaders in my ward and stake and THAT kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

  After all, though my husband was the sinner and there were things that the leaders had to take charge of to help him get back on the right path, I was an unwilling victim. I don't know if aid for the victims is only supposed to be offered if it's asked for??? But I'll say this... the women I know whose husbands have porn addictions or cheated NEED HELP TOO! We are abandoned, disillusioned, deceived, depressed, alone, destroyed, devastated! We may not even know what is available to ask for.

  SO dear Stake Presidents, Bishops, and Relief Society Presidents. PLEASE search out and give us, the betrayed innocents, information to aid in our own healing! Meet with us too! Check on us too! Make sure we have support! Make sure our children are being taken care of! Provide us with information about the ARP meetings for those with addicted loved ones. Ask us if we need to speak to a counselor! With the help of the church's social services start ARP groups in your stake. Make sure we have kind diligent visiting and home teachers. Because, just as the sinner is lost, so are those they betrayed.

  Anyone who would like more information or support can certainly message me and I will help get you the information you need. Be strong dear sisters (and some of you brethren). The Lord will provide. Addiction and betrayal can alter the path of life you might have carefully set in place, but He is there for you. Reach out to Him always first.

Resolutions and Step 1

(image from Lara's blog)

 Resolutions in the traditional sense have always, over the course of a few months of non-commitment, left me feeling worse about myself than when I started. It had been on my CHILDHOOD resolutions lists to loose weight... and I wasn't even over weight! I had a bigger bone structure than my more petite friends and didn't understand that yet. Not loosing weight and not being able to even follow the steps to loose weight left me feeling "less than". Less than the skinny girl, less than my lean mother, less than the girl I wanted to be. But some how I still had thins inner strength that helped me realize what a load of bull it was to set extreme resolutions based on societal and marketing voices, set on my weaknesses and not on strengths, set one what I THOUGHT would bring happiness. I began to just disregard the "tradition" of making New Years Resolutions altogether. Really, who needs a year of trying to be something they're not only to be disappointed in 12 months that you didn't become the person you never were meant to be... or are you meant to be that person? The real question is "What attributes and gift can I develop that would please God and help others around me while also helping me to be healthy?"

 Last year, about 5 months post d-day I lay in bed. It was one of those "my-husband-slept-with-another-woman-and-I-am-hideous-and-fat-and-ugly-and-I-am-failing-at-everything-I-do-blah-blah-blah-blah" kind of days. I was spiraling to darkness and despair. I felt I was fighting so hard to do what I believed I was supposed to be doing (career wise) and getting nowhere. In that moment I wondered if God wanted me to do something else with my life. I rolled over and remembered a pretty significant story that had been haunting me.

 I was at a convention a handful of years ago and hopped on an elevator with a group of women. I knew one of them was the bright young magazine editor, Lara Casey. She had started the magazine "Southern Weddings" herself and with a small group of staff members she put out regular publications. I had read her blog on many occasions. She was smart and successful. It turned out I was in cramped quarters with Lara and her friends and another group of women. Some of them knew each other and introductions were made. I stood silently in the corner trying, in vain of course, to become invisible.

 Suddenly Lara turned graciously to me smiling and said, "You look familiar too. Have we met?"

 Here it was. A literal opportunity for an elevator pitch! Had I been where I wanted to be in my career I might have had the perfect mini-introduction planned. Instead I opened my mouth and said, "Oh me? I'm nobody."

  nobody

 This nobody came back to haunt me. I knew I wasn't really nobody, and yet that is what came out of my mouth when a magazine editor included me in the elevator introductions. This nobody did NOT have her head on straight.... she just wasn't where she thought she should be yet... feeling like a fraud in business most of the time. So back to this day of despair and darkness last year...

 I was determined to contact Lara and let her know, that I wasn't nobody... you know... if she remembered the incident at all. I contacted her, she remembered, issue resolved. But it's what I found in my search on how to contact her that changed my perspective.

 In the next few hours God played a huge serendipity card for me. In Lara's bio I read:

           "God wanted me to walk, to fall hard, to learn to trust only Him. If you really want something, you let go, let God and you make it happen. You do not wait or sit or dwell or let fear paralyze you. You start walking. Walking starts by first standing up. Stand up and put one foot in front of the other right now. If I can go from leotards to Lhuillier… you fill in the blank. I am not more extraordinary than you. You were given gifts that were meant to be shown to the world. Walk. Act as if you already own the life you desire. Walk in those shoes. Soon, they will be come second-skin. How do you start a business/rebuild a powerful thriving business? How do you get out of “overwhelmed” and start really living? You walk – sometimes through mud, jagged rocks, thick weeds, thorns and on thin ice. But, you will get to the other side because you are walking through it. You get stronger. But, if you do not walk, you will not get to the other side. Step strongly. No mistakes, only lessons. Plant those feet on the ground. You have this."

 I randomly flipped open my scriptures and read John 5:8-9 (KJV)

8. Jesus saith unto him, rise, take up thy bed, and walk.

9. And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked....

 Obviously I was being sent a message. Get up and walk. He would take care of the rest.

 Another great thing about all this serendipity that day was that I discovered HOW to get up and walk! Lara had written an inspired goal setting series! That girl has a way with words and a supremely in tune spirit. Motivated by her love of God and the Word, she shares so much, giving away her knowledge, so that others can succeed and become the divine beings God meant them to be.

 I learned through working the steps that what I really wanted in life was different than what I thought I wanted. My priorities were not how to become more successful at my job or losing weight or even reading the scriptures cover to cover. What I needed was more real than a to do list of things I should be doing. I craved peace and strength so I took some yoga classes. I wanted to create more art so I bought canvases for me and my kiddos and we began to regularly spend afternoons painting. I hurt but was learning so much so I started to share what I was learning to help others and I started to hurt less. I wanted to be bigger and better and amazingly successful, but instead I learned that, at least in my life, real progress doesn't come from becoming better at what I was already doing... it comes from wanting to please Him and do what He would have me do. I have a hard time swallowing that still... I want so bad for my path to be written out on a map... a big giant "X" marking the spot of success, health, wealth, all my dreams coming true; a clear dotted line leading from the "You are here" sign to that big giant X. But really, life isn't that way, is it? All I can really do is take care of  where I am now. Take care of my priorities now. It still involves responsible planning for the future. Most of it should pay out in the end in one way or another. But I should have known better than to try to control the process so rigidly. One thing you learn when you have an addicted loved one or your spouse cheats is that all the careful planning and care for the details does not  keep bad things from happening and moving down some unplanned route. Life takes unexpected turns ALL.THE.TIME. There's something freeing about that though. (Steps 1-3 in Addiction Recovery and Healing Through Christ, anyone?)

 I'm going to focus my studies and blog posts this month on Step 1 in the Healing Through Christ Workbook. 12 Steps, 12 months. I've been though all of the steps in my support group a few times this last year and it's time to really get deep into them this year... I know that so deep inside of me that I can almost see that big "X" at the end of the map.

 Lara started the series up again for the new year and is fleshing it out with even more great inspired ideas and words. I'm working right a long with all the women reading her posts, reassessing what I NEED in life and what would please God AND help with my healing and the strengthening of my family and community. I have a big chunk left to do with regards to my business and it will come, but it's not my priority right now... that's kind of scary, but I really want to leave room for God to do His work on me and if I try to control the process too much I'll be right back at despair and darkness, fighting against what is best for me.

 You can get started on Lara Casey's Goal Setting process by heading over to her blog. If it's later in the year, start here on part 1. It's such a gentle way to do something hugely successful for yourself this year!

The New Year

I couldn't get out of bed. I pulled the heavy blanket up over my head and closed my eyes tight. No amount of darkness would keep the thoughts away.

Today is the anniversary of my husband's Big Awful Decision (the B.A.D. as I like to call it). And it's not just any day that he decided to break his marriage covenants, it's New Year's Eve. The irony is thick and tries to suffocates me. A day for reflecting on the past and making bold decisions and resolutions for a new better future and my husband chose to celebrate by hooking up with a girl almost young enough to be his daughter. His new year began with a month long affair with a younger, thinner, more enticing "woman". (Yes, I put woman in quotes. It's a far less offensive thing than using the adjectives and nouns that usually come to mind when I think about her. I really should put "enticing in quotes too, having met her, I know she was just the desperate, willing, after birth of a porn addiction. Oops. Better stop now before I tell you what I really think about her. I'll save that for another post.)

I discovered the affair a month later and 2013 really began for me. A year of unbearable pain. I experienced so much loss.

 First, I lost my husband. It felt like death. I had been married to an addict, sure, he wasn't perfect, but he was loving. He was my friend. He had no problem being real with me on an emotional level. We held hands and laughed. Suddenly he was gone. My marriage as I knew it was now something of the past. I mourned the husband I knew pre 2013. The man who lived in my house with me was his murderer. That was a unimaginable level of terror I never knew I could experience.

 I lost my confidence. I no longer had the ability to stand up for myself, voice my opinions, meet new people, enjoy the company of friends, or walk into a store without feeling as if everyone was staring at me. Over the next 5 months I searched crowds of strangers for her face. I feared that I would literally, YES LITERALLY, shrivel up in her presence if I ever saw her. (I did find her face in the crowd and I didn't shrivel at all! I'll save that story too... that's a good one that I hope every betrayed wife gets a kick out of.)

I lost security. Financial security, because he had to leave that job because of the affair. Personal security, no woman should have to EVER worry if her husband is comparing her to another woman. It's wrong and it contradicts the marriage vows any couple makes! Relationship security, I wasn't sure where this marriage thing was going post affair. I wasn't sure if his changes and recovery would stick and make any difference.

I lost friends. Sort of. Of the 5 women that I initially told 3 of them made themselves scarce. I rarely talked to them. They rarely checked on me. 2 of those women never talked or asked about it again. The other 2 women that stuck around were me rocks.

I worry that these thoughts appear to only be words... each syllable meaningless on it's own. That readers won't understand the gravity of what happened and what I went through... not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but because I want other spouses to know they're not alone when they go through this. Because I want betrayers (and potential betrayers) to really know what they are going to inflict on their spouses. All these words, but the ones that sum them up are betrayal, death, torture, anguish, depression, confusion, self hatred, self destructive, abusive, destroyed... I could go on, but you get the idea, and these words are the reason I dont want to face this holiday... this anniversary...this commemoration of the B.A.D.

My husband knows. He comes in and out of the room as he gets ready for work. He tries to reassure me with some cuddling and kisses. He tells me he loves me over and over again. I know it's a hard day for him too. Things are better now and today to him means a year farther away from his B.A.D. A year that  got him disfellowshipped at church. A year without sacrament. A year of rebuilding his marriage and his wife's security while working through his own healing and recovery. I know he wants me to stop hurting. I know it would make things easier for him. But I hurt and all the kisses and words and the dark heavy weight of the blanket do nothing. Nothing will stop the hurt and anxiety.

Until.

In the dark I see a wooden rod. If it's a banister or a staff, I can not tell, but I imagine grabbing onto it because it looks strong... heck, it looks like it might give me a splinter but it looks strong. When I grab it, in my imagination of course, I hear the words "Own the day." A feeling begins to trickle into my soul. It feels like drinking very warm water. I can feel it going down. It also feels like reassurance. Own the day. Get up. Dress yourself. Buy a nice breakfast. Eat it. Begin your day. Own the day.

What does that mean? DO NOT let the day and all it's negative luggage to own me! DO NOT let me losses discredit all my gains! DO NOT let anybody control my happiness! I GAINED so much this year!  I now have a husband that is dedicated to his 12 step program and strives always to be drug and porn free. I have a clear understanding of what a friend should do for another in their time of need. I have a real insight into addiction and healing and the consequences of addiction. I was plummeted to a level of humility that allowed me to turn to the Lord and learn of Him in ways I never had before. I was refined. My weaknesses are still being made into strengths. I study the gospel and words of His prophets, apostles, and others he has influenced. I have gained a testimony of the healing power of the Atonement.

I'm still a little nervous, but I won't let the day own me... don't let it own you either! ♥

My First Post or The Post Before Things Get REAL!

  I had a house and a family when addiction and infidelity came ripping through my home like a tornado. It turned my whole life and all in it upside down... everything appeared familiar but still was so unreal, indiscernible, out of sorts in the most drastic way possible. The man I had known for almost 20 years ago had the same face but seemed to be a stranger. My self confidence, once almost unshakable seemed to be a cruel joke I was foolish enough to believe. My marriage, my relationships with others as well as myself, my history, my home, my mental stability... all of it upside down and twisted into some heart wrenching catastrophe. When once I was bold and outspoken, now I was broken.  I wanted physical pain so that the terrible pain inside me would make sense. I wanted to die.

  But fortunately for me, I recognized early that God had possibly designed this awful situation for me. While that may be unfathomable or unacceptable to some, I challenge you to stop asking the Lord "Why me?!" and begin asking the transforming question of faith and hope, "What would you have me learn?" 

 One of the things that was uprooted was my casual attitude toward my testimony and duties as a daughter of God. Suddenly I needed God in a way that I had never needed Him before. Almost immediately his tender mercies began to manifest in my life... my husband, hit rock bottom, inspired friends and associates, unaware of our trial, popped up in our lives, I had inspirations and dreams that kept me holding on. I know now, without a doubt that my Heavenly Father is keenly aware of me, loves me, and that through the Atonement and Jesus Christ, I could heal from the horrific trauma and disaster of an emotional tornado.

 More of our story can be found by clicking the tabs at the top of this blog. We hope that through our experiences we can help others heal through addiction and infidelity. We also hope that our words will reach those who have not transgressed yet but will be tempted. We hope to communicate to you that your choices WILL affect others in the most dire and devastating ways and encourage you to turn to your Father in Heaven and Bishop for help.